NASCAR humor from JohnBoy and Billy
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All of the humor on this page is copyright of the JohnBoy and Billy Big Show and is used
with permission.
| What I Like
About 3 |
| Top Ten signs
you're at a NASCAR fan's funeral | Top ten things you'll
never hear a NASCAR driver say |
| Ten Rejected Names For The JB&B Breakfast Of Champions
| Guide to NASCAR Shop Tools |
| Top Ten Signs You're About To Lose Your Ride On The Winston Cup
Series | Wonder Boy |
| These Boots Were Made For Racin' | Top
Ten Signs Your Mom Is A NASCAR Fan | Black Number 3 |
| Roll Over Daytona |
What I Like About 3
(To the tune of "What I Like About
You" by the Romantics)
What I Like About 3
He Won That Race
All You Other Fans
Quit Gettin' On His Case
Yeah...
Quit Whimpering In Your Beer
Wipe Your Nose And Dry Them Tears
Don'tcha See...
That's What I Like About 3
What I Like About 3
He Really Knows How To Drive
Don't Get In His Way
If You Wanna Stay Alive...Yeah
Quit Whimpering In Your Beer
"Wah Wah Wah" That's All I Hear
Don'tcha See...
That's What I Like About 3
That's What I Like About 3
That's What I Like About 3
(Inst. Break)
What I Like About 3
He Gets A Little Rough
Like Ol' Glenn Said
Ol' Number 3 Is Tufff!
Yeah...
Quit Whimpering In Your Beer
Wipe Your Nose And Dry Them Tears
Don'tcha See...
That's What I Like About 3
Top Ten signs you're at a NASCAR
fan's funeral
10. Casket features an exact replica of the GM Goodwrench paint scheme
9. The deceased is referred to as being "out of provisionals"
8. Heart-stirring eulogy delivered by Dr. Jerry Punch
7. "Amazing Grace" is performed by a 9-year-old girl from Bristol, Tennessee
6. Only the first 43 cars are allowed in the procession
5. Hearse referred to as the pace car
4. Procession weaves back and forth to keep heat in the tires
3. Cars caught speeding leaving the church have to go to the rear of the procession
2. First time mourners have an orange stripe on the trunk of their car
and the number one sign you're at a NASCAR funeral
No coolers over 14 inches allowed in the chapel
Top ten things you'll never hear a
NASCAR driver say
10. You know...I just wouldn't feel safe out there without that restrictor plate.
9. Gee...the race doesn't start for another five minutes. I think I'll climb out of the
car and sign a few autographs.
8. This new bodystyle seems to give our cars a distinct advantage over the competition. I
think nascar should look into this immediately.
7. You know...it sure is good to see Gordon get a win after that long dry spell he's been
going through.
6. Look -- it's John Boy with a garage pass! Hey big guy -- over here!
5. I sure wish Miss Winston would stop pinching me on the butt during driver
introductions!
4. Gee guys...some of this stuff under the hood looks a little fishy to me. Let's get Gary
Nelson over to take a look.
3. Those new t-shirt designs are a tad gaudy. Can we tone em down a little bit?
2. I'd like to thank the Prince of Darkness for my victory today.
...And the number one thing you'll never hear a NASCAR driver say...
Ford...Chevy...heck, what difference does it make, really?
Ten Rejected Names For The JB&B Breakfast Of Champions
10. Let's Do Brunch With Dr. Jerry Punch
9. Dork Soup
8. Touched By A Redneck
7. Race Fans Who Start Drinking At 7 Am Say The Darndest Things
6. Bodine-A-Palooza
5. When Animals Attack The Guy Throwing Out Free T-Shirts
4. World's Scariest Police Chases: The Parking Lot Edition
3. An Easy Way For Us To Get Free Breakfast From Sandwich Construction Company
2. Look -- I Know They're Goofballs. But They're In 70 Markets -- Go By And Let 'Em
Interview You!
And The Number One Rejected Name For Breakfast Of Champions...
Hey Y'all -- Watch This!
Guide to NASCAR Shop Tools
submitted by JP Danter
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far
from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that
goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race
out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time
it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground
after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle
upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health
benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs
at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More
often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be
used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone
in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Top Ten Signs You're About To Lose
Your Ride
On The Winston Cup Series
10 Crew Chief Asks If You'd Mind Driving The Hauler Back After The Sonoma Race
9 On Staff Memos...You See Your Name As The Subject Of Meetings You're Not Invited To
8 You're Given A Paid Holiday Anytime The Sponsor Visits The Shop
7 Staples...Markers...And Post-It Notes Given To You One At A Time On An "As
Needed" Basis
6 During Trading Card Photo Shoot...Team Manager Asks You To Wear A Full-Face Helmet And
Leave The Window Net Up
5 Instead Of Your Name...Lettering Over The Car Window Reads "Now Hiring"
4 On The Team's Latest Organizational Chart...Underneath Your Name It Says "Or
Whoever"
3 Your Guest Shot On Q-V-C Comes On "Emergency Liquidation Sale" Night
2 At Team Softball Game...You're Replaced In The Batting Order By Eli Gold.
And The Number One Sign You're About To Lose Your Ride...
Your Nickname Around The Shop Changed From "Speed-Demon" To
"Short-Timer"
Wonder Boy
(To the tune of The Coasters' "Charlie
Brown")
10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4
Here Comes That Little
Rainbow Warrior
Wonder Boy...Wonder Boy
He's A Joy...That Wonder Boy
He's Gonna Drive Fast
Just You Wait And See...
"Why's Everybody Always Pickin' On Me?"
NASCAR Races...He's Won A Ton
He's The Two-Time
Winston Champion
Wonder Boy...Wonder Boy
He's A Joy...That Wonder Boy
He's Young And He's Tough
Just You Wait And See...
"Why's Everybody Always Pickin' On Me?"
Who's Almost Everywhere You See?
Who's Drinkin' Pepsi On TV?
Faster Than Ol' Number 3?
Said Who? -- "Who Me?" -- Yeah You!
He Goes Out And Gives 'Em All Heck
Number 24 Just
Can't Get No Respect
Wonder Boy...Wonder Boy
He's A Joy...That Wonder Boy
He's Young And He's Fast
Just You Wait And See...
"Why's Everybody Always Pickin' On Me?"
These Boots Were
Made For Racin'
(To the tune of Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are
Made For Walkin'")
You Keep Sayin' -- You Got Somethin' For Me
Somethin' You Call Tough -- But Confess
You Can't Catch Me -- I'm The Rainbow Rocket...Yeah
Just Watch Me Go When We Hit C-M-S
These Boots Are Made For Racin'
And That's Just What They'll Do
Soon As They Drop The Flag-- I'm Gonna Run All Over You
You Been Sayin -- You Might Win The Winston
But Number 24 Is Gonna Win
I'm Out Front -- Oops! I Just Jumped The Restart
And NASCAR Says We Gotta Start Again
This Dupont Car Is Rockin'
The Paint Job's Really Cool
But Maybe At That Last Stop -- We Shoulda Got A Splash Of Fuel
We're Still Leadin -- But The Engine's Skippin'
Somethin's Wrong -- I Feel It In My Pants
I Just Got Me A Real, Real Queasy Feelin'...Yeah
There Goes Martin -- We Ain't Got A Chance
These Boots Are Made For Racin'
This Car Is Really Fast
Looks Like This Here Dupont Car Just Ran Right Outta Gas...
Top Ten Signs Your Mom
Is A NASCAR Fan
10 First Question She Asks Your Date: "Who's Your Favorite Driver?"
9 Answering Machine Message: "Call Me Back When The Race Is Over."
8 Once Got In A Fist Fight With Someone Who Said Nascar Wasn't A Real Sport
7 The Hood Over Her Range Is Made From Sheet Metal From The 88 Car
6 Her Proudest Moment When Teaching You How To Drive Was When You Learned How To Stick It
Down In The Turns
5 Comforter Across The Back Of Her Couch Has A Picture Of Dale Earnhardt's Face On It
4 Her Mother Calls To Console Your Dad When Bill Elliott Wrecks
3 You Can't Get In The Utility Room For All The Bottles Of Wisk
2 Gives Directions Using International Drive In Daytona As The Starting Point
...And The Number One Sign Your Mom Is A Nascar Fan...
Picture Of The Grandkids Replaced By A Shot Of John Boy & Billy In The Giant Shopping
Cart
Black Number 3
(To the tune of Bruce Springsteen's "Pink
Cadillac")
Well Now You Might Think I'm Foolish
Cause I Pull For Number 3
And All Thru 97...
He Didn't Have A Single Vic-To-Ry
They Say "He Ain't Won The Big One"
There Ain't No Secret Bout That...
But Sit Down And Pop A Cold One
And Just Dig That Goodwrench Cat
You Can Have Ol Jeff And Rusty
They Ain't The Ones For Me...
I Love To Pull For..Old Number 3
Earnhardt's The Man
Yonder He Comes...Catch Him If You Can
He's Been The Champ...7 Different Times
Faster'n Lightnin'...Stops On A Dime
Sunday At Daytona It Was Total Victory
For That Black Number 3...Black Number 3
He's Got Eyes Just Like An Eagle
He's Big...He's Bad...He's Tough
Well He's Seen The Winner's Circle
And He's Seen When Things Get Rough
And Down At The Southern 500
He Did Take A Little Nap
But He Checked Out Fit As A Fiddle
So Don't Give Me None Of Your Crap
And On Sunday At Daytona...It Was A Beautiful Sight To See
In The Winner's Circle...Ol' Number 3
Earnhardt's The Man
Yonder He Comes...Catch Him If You Can
He's Been The Champ...7 Different Times
Faster'n Lightnin'...Stops On A Dime
Sunday At Daytona It Was Total Victory
For That Black Number 3...Black Number 3
Some Folks Say He's Too Old
And He Can't Go Fast
Some Were Even Talkin' Retirement
Well All Y'all Can Bite My (Hey!)
But He's Tougher Than Mark Or Rusty
And He's Tougher Than The Wonder Boy
And He's Tougher Than Both Labontes
He's The Shore Nuff Real Mccoy
I Don't Need Your Money
Cause I Won Me A Bundle You See...
From Bettin' On That Black Number 3
Earnhardt's The Man
Yonder He Comes...Catch Him If You Can
He's Been The Champ...7 Different Times
Fastern' Lightin......Stops On A Dime
Down At Daytona It Was Total Victory
For That Black Number 3...Black Number 3
Roll Over Daytona
(To the tune of Chuck Berry's "Roll Over
Beethoven")
Well I Wrote A Little Ditty
Gonna Sing It Till The Break Of Day
All The 24 Fans...
They Ain't Got Nothin' To Say
Roll Over Daytona
Earnhardt Won Today
You Know My Temperature's Risin'
My Girlfriend's Had Her A Few...
Earnhardt's Back
We're All Done Singin' The Blues
Roll Over Daytona
Tell Jeff Gordon The News
I Got The Rockin' Pneumonia
3 Car Just Can't Lose
The Man In Black...
Is Playin To Rave Reviews
Roll Over Daytona
Where Do Y'all Keep The Booze?
Well If You Ain't Too Stuck Up
Let's Do Some Shooters...Or
Load The Pickup
And Go To Hooters And
Eat Some Hot Wings
They're Nice And Hearty
Hey Good Buddy...
It's Time To Party
Roll Over Daytona
Tell Ol' Jeffy The News
Early In The Mornin' I'm Givin' You The Warnin
Don't You Puke On My Goodwrench Shoes
The Man In Black Is Back On Track
Got The 24 Fans Confused
Roll Over Daytona...Tell Ol' Jeffy The News
You Know He's Fast As Lightnin'
Nobody Can Explain
No Doubt About It
Earnhardt Is The Man
Yonder He Comes...
Headed For Vic-Try Lane
Roll Over Daytona
Roll Over Daytona
Roll Over Daytona
Roll Over Daytona
Roll Over Daytona...Tell Jeff Gordon The News
Read More JohnBoy and Billy Humor at
All of the humor on this page is copyright of the JohnBoy and
Billy Big Show and is used with permission.
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Blk3GM's Dale Earnhardt Site was born on
July 26, 1998 and is owned and maintained by Gary Harris. This site is a
tribute to "NASCAR's Greatest Driver" and his up and coming son. We are
not affiliated with any official Team, Sponsors, Media Group or NASCAR. This site is
solely for entertainment purposes. Information and statistic's on this site have
been collected from various NASCAR related sites on the internet, from Winston Cup Scene,
Newspapers, Television and our personal experience at Winston Cup and Busch Grand National
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